


Maybe It Was Me

by lavenderandice



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Character Study, Falling In Love, Fear, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insecurity, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nanase Haruka and Mackerel, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-26 18:37:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20031580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderandice/pseuds/lavenderandice
Summary: As their friendship starts to ruin, Hiyori wonders if he's bad for Ikuya after all.





	Maybe It Was Me

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic on here, kinda nervous ahh (re-upload because my phone kinda glitched and messed up the format, soso sorry for the inconveniencesjsjd)

“ Ikuya, where are you?”

“ With Haru and the rest. I’m eating dinner out so you don’t have to make any for me.” Ikuya sounded distant, mechanical.

“ Oh I see, that’s no problem.” Hiyori couldn’t criticise the indifference in Ikuya’s voice when his own words were just as distant, just as mechanical. “ See you at practice tomorrow then.” Without waiting for Ikuya’s response, he hung up the phone. 

Hiyori leaned back into the couch in Ikuya’s living room. He turned his head and stared at the bag of groceries on the dining table which he had just bought. _ What a waste _, he thought to himself. He decided to stay on the couch a little longer, he was still worn out from the run he did right after swim practice a few hours ago. But after a while the silence in the apartment got too heavy, and memories of his lonely childhood started playing in his head. So he got up, scooped up the groceries and left the apartment complex. 

_ Alone. _That word seemed to summarise his nights for the past two weeks and he hated it. Ever since the All-Japan invitational ended Hiyori thought he never had to see those Iwatobi boys again. Cause as much as he convinced Ikuya he was alright with them, he wasn’t. Every conversation with them felt forced, every attempt at friendly banter and every laugh. But what did it matter, if Ikuya was happy then so was he. The tiny smile that graced his features seeing his closest company interact with one another was enough to make Hiyori’s heart race. 

Technically, he had not seen them ever since the race. But Ikuya never shuts up about them, especially Haru. Haru this, Haru that, conversations between them barely counted as conversations anymore when it had nothing to do with either of them and all to do with that swimming freak. Still, Hiyori maintained his feigned enthusiasm act, because as long as Ikuya was happy he was too. At least, that was what he told himself. 

***

Hiyori stared at the pack of mackerel in his hands. He didn’t know why he was crying, tears rolling off his cheeks and landing onto the pack’s film of cling wrap. He was back in his apartment and decided to make dinner for himself with the groceries and not waste it. He was famished after swim practice and his run, but he lost his appetite the moment he took the mackerel out of his shopping bag. 

Hiyori hated crying. Crying was for late nights waiting up for his parents to come home, back in America. Crying was for hiding in the boy’s restroom in middle school wondering why none of his schoolmates liked him enough to be his friend. Crying was for the night he fought with Ikuya at that playground, and how he knew whenever he walked past it it would hurt.

Crying was not for buying his best friend mackerel just because Haru loved it- even if it pained him to grab the fish off the shelf in the supermarket, even if any reminder of Haru no matter how faint was enough to make him want to drive his fist through a wall-only to have him tell you he was going to be out with Haru himself. Perhaps it was understandable, hanging out with the man who made him happy was better than eating a meal that reminded Ikuya of him. 

Hiyori wiped away his tears, trying to calm himself down before his flatmate came back. The last thing he wanted was for him to walk in on him crying at a pack of mackerel like some idiot. 

Hiyori didn’t want to waste the groceries, yet he chucked the mackerel into the bin and left the rest out to spoil as he headed for bed. 

***

Ikuya was staring at him, he could feel it. Hiyori took one last bite of his katsudon before meeting his gaze, “ Yes?” They were in the canteen grabbing lunch before swim practice. 

“ Nothing, it’s just...you seem tired.” 

When Hiyori woke up that morning and inspected his reflection in the mirror, he was close to breaking down again. His dark circles had gotten visibly worse, his eyes a bit puffy from the intense mackerel crying session the day before. His hair was sticking out in all directions as it usually did, but even after dousing it in some hairspray some stray strands still stuck out stubbornly. He was not able to pinpoint the reason for his current state of exhaustion. Maybe it was his stagnant swim times, but he knew those were caused by something deeper which he refused to bring up right now. Yesterday’s breakdown was the closest he got to admitting the truth to himself and he intended it to remain that way. 

“ Just school, and swimming. It’s taking a toll on me but I’ll be fine.” Hiyori replied in his usual cheery voice. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Ikuya, really. Ikuya seemed to buy it though, giving a brisk nod and turning his attention back to his food. Hiyori was a little hurt he did not bother to pry a little more. 

“ Take it easy, even if your times are not improving they’re still the same. You’re still maintaining your form and that’s good.” Hiyori nodded, mindlessly moving the last few grains of rice on his bowl around with his spoon. “ And also,” Hiyori looked up. 

“ You can always tell me anything, you know that right?” The concern in Ikuya’s voice, the worry in his eyes, it used to make Hiyori feel loved, feel less lonely. Now it just made him feel like shit. Even though he was there sitting directly opposite him, he felt like he was underwater and Ikuya was peering at him from above the surface. He could not breathe, he was drowning. Ikuya just offered a listening ear, but he knew he could not tell him the truth. All he could do was just drown in his sorrows, drown in the deep end of the metaphorical pool he was in and pretend as if-

“ What are you so serious for? It’s just university life, I’ll learn to get used to it,” Hiyori chuckled emptily, patting Ikuya on the shoulder for reassurance. Ikuya frowned in confusion but quickly shrugged it off, features returning to its neutral state as he finished the remaining bits of his rice. 

“ Okay.”

***

Hiyori swore he was losing his mind. It was the third swim practice in which his times remained the same, and the third one Ikuya left right after to head to Akane’s café. Hoshikawa’s eyes flickered back and forth between Ikuya’s receding form from the pool and Hiyori who had just resurfaced after doing his final lap.

“ Hiyori! I’m closing up soon.” 

“ I’m done for the day captain, thank you very much.” Hiyori said with an apologetic smile as he hurried out of the pool. Before he could head for the lockers, Hoshikawa stopped him. 

“ Where’s Ikuya heading off to?”

“ Meeting his Iwatobi friends.” Hiyori replied politely, trying his best to upkeep the graceful smile on his face.

Hoshikawa frowned. “ And you’re not following him?” 

“ They’re not really my friends, so it would be awkward of me to intrude anyways.” His words had a little more spite in it than intended. He worried Hoshikawa would pick up on it but his captain just nodded in understanding and told him to get home safe. Hiyori showered, changed and left as fast as he could. It was tiring having that smile plastered on his face the whole day. 

Yeah, it was for the best that he didn’t follow Ikuya.

*** 

" Do you want to stay over?" 

" Huh?" 

Hiyori was shocked by the offer. He had stayed over at Ikuya's plenty of times before. But lately it seemed Ikuya was so caught up with Haru and Makoto and...those other two. He forgot their names but that did not matter. What mattered now was that Ikuya was offering him to stay the night.

He hated how a simple request did weird things to his heart. Friends stayed over at each other's houses all the time, he did that with his other peers too. Yet the thought of sleeping in the same space as Ikuya felt different from how it did their first sleepover years ago, it felt oddly intimate now. 

“ It’s already reaching midnight and you have been studying for hours. It’d be tiring for you to head back now.” Ikuya reasoned.

“ Oh, okay, sure. Thanks, Ikuya.” Hiyori should not be feeling ecstatic over this, especially when the past few weeks of seeing Ikuya had caused feelings of resentment and loneliness to bubble up in his chest. He did not even know why he agreed to head over to his place to study. A part of him wanted to ignore Ikuya and let their friendship dissolve into nothingness, to let him realise how much better hanging with Haru and Co. were and leave him in the dark. Another part of him wanted to hang on to Ikuya as much as possible and not let him go, to savour whatever remnants of this friendship they had and hope that Ikuya paid him more attention eventually. 

Perhaps Hiyori was overreacting, it had only been three weeks and it was normal Ikuya hung out with them more often considering that they had just reunited after years. Makoto’s words were ringing in his head, _ “ You should have more faith in him.” _He knew he should, but it was hard when every attempt to get Ikuya to himself was botched almost every day. The only times he ever communicated with him were during mealtimes on campus and swim practices. Hiyori did call and message him, but he started doing that less often because it hurt to tell him to enjoy himself with his friends, it hurt to fake a cheery tone when he called to check up on how he was doing. He also sensed-or maybe imagined, he did not know anymore-the annoyance in Ikuya’s voice each time he called so he decided not to call anymore, because every time a call ended Hiyori’s mind would wander to an ugly place. 

Two hours later and they were getting ready for bed, Ikuya in the bathroom brushing his teeth and Hiyori taking a spare mattress from the storeroom to put on the floor by his bed. When Ikuya came out he looked at the mattress, at Hiyori, and then at the mattress again. Hiyori did not know what was wrong. 

“ Is there something wrong?” Did Ikuya forget that Hiyori was staying the night? Nonsense, it had only been a few hours. Then again he never knew what was going on in his best friend’s head, especially with that constant passive expression of his.

Ikuya quirked an amused smile, and Hiyori’s heart skipped a beat. “ I’m surprised you knew we had a spare mattress. Don’t we usually sleep together anyways?” Hiyori blushed, Ikuya frowned. “ Not in that way, pervert.”

“ I-I knew that!” Hiyori looked down at the mattress below him. Ikuya giggled softly and Hiyori was suddenly taken back to their high school days, when Ikuya was more smiley and bright. But that was before Ikuya let him into his life fully, exposed him to his melancholic past with Haru and the rest. Hiyori was so desperate to get closer to him back then, and knowing someone better always came at a cost. 

“ If you want to sleep on the floor that is up to you, then.” Ikuya replied lightheartedly as he got onto his bed. “ But if you want to come up…” Hiyori looked up, and Ikuya was holding his hand out with a shy smile on his face. “ You can as well.”

Hiyori knew he was blushing like an idiot as he held onto Ikuya’s hand and let himself be pulled up onto his bed. How long was it since he held Ikuya’s hand? He did not know but he knew it was a long time and _ God, _did he miss it. 

Ikuya’s eyes were sparkling in the moonlight as they stared at one another, and Hiyori worried what Ikuya thought of his way too intense blushing. But Ikuya was smiling, small but noticeable, and Hiyori told his paranoia to calm down. 

“ Good night,” Ikuya said sleepily, wrapping an arm around Hiyori’s waist as he closed his eyes. 

Hiyori did not know it was possible to feel the way he did now, to feel so breathless and as if he could breathe again after weeks of being neglected by Ikuya. He was supposed to be upset at him, but all he thought of as he watched his best friend sleep soundly in front of him was that he never wanted to lose this. Ever. 

_ Ikuya was sound asleep beside him, the streetlights from outside illuminating his face in an ethereal bluish glow. Hiyori knew this was not normal, admiring his best friend's features as he slept, legs tangled together and Ikuya's arm wrapped around his neck. _

_ They were seventeen, Hiyori stayed over at Ikuya's for a sleepover and now his cheeks were blushing pink. He thought about what happened minutes before that brought them to this position and his cheeks got even redder. _

_ " Hiyori!" Hiyori jolted awake, eyes opening to Ikuya's distressed face hovering inches above him. _

_ " Just a dream," Hiyori muttered, breathing heavily from the images that played in his slumber. _

_ Ikuya breathed out a sigh of relief, then his features softened into a type of fondness Hiyori could not put his finger on. " Thank God. You were screaming and crying, you scared me." _

_ He could not stand the intensity that Ikuya was staring at him with, so he averted his gaze and bit his lip guiltily. " Sorry." _

_ Ikuya shook his head in response, ruffling Hiyori's head sweetly. " Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, flopping back into bed beside him. _

_ Hiyori replayed his nightmare in his head, flashes of his elementary schoolmates avoiding him and his parents leaving him to the darkness of his room. “ No, not really.” _

_ Ikuya nodded knowingly, and Hiyori wondered how he always knew him like an open book. He ran his fingers through Hiyori’s hair comfortingly and laid back down beside him. The silence between them which somehow hinted at the understanding the two had over what just happened, the feel of Ikuya’s fingers in his hair, all of it slowly lulled Hiyori back into sleep. _

_ Before he drifted off completely he heard Ikuya whisper, “ I’ll never leave you alone.” _

“ Hiyori?” Hiyori opened his eyes and found Ikuya’s distressed face hovering inches over him. He felt tears on his cheeks and realised he had been crying in his sleep again. 

“ Just a dream,” Hiyori muttered strangely, this entire scene all too familiar.

Ikuya nodded in understanding, and Makoto’s words rang in Hiyori’s head again. He started feeling guilty, Ikuya still knew him as well as he did before Haru and the others fully came into the picture. He was overreacting, crying over mackerel, breaking down again the night after swim practice the following week. Was he so dependent on Ikuya for attention that he shut down completely every time he hung out with them instead? 

And suddenly Hiyori was panicking as he begun to realise how unhealthy his relationship with Ikuya was. He was so used to being alone till Ikuya came into his life, and because of that he was so afraid to let go of him. But that did not justify his shitty attitude to Haru and the rest, that did not justify basing his mood off of how much attention Ikuya was giving him. 

Hiyori was still deep in thought as Ikuya moved to lie back down beside him. He was snapped out of his thoughts when Ikuya said, “ What were you dreaming about?”

_ Us. When we were seventeen. When it was just the two of us and we did not need to worry about anyone getting in the way of that. When I was not clinging to you as much as I am now because I am so scared to lose you to Haru, but maybe he is better than me. Maybe it is best if we end things before I lose myself any further- _

“ The usual.” Was all Hiyori decided to say. He turned to his side so his back was facing Ikuya. “ Sorry, goodnight.” 

He felt the concern radiating off of Ikuya but chose to ignore it, trying to get back to sleep. The last words in his dream were still echoing in his head.

_ “ I’ll never leave you alone.” _

***

Had Hiyori sunk so low that he was calling Terashima the next night? Yes, yes he had. 

That morning as he and Ikuya got ready for school, Ikuya told him that he was going to meet Haru and Asahi at their university. So that was the name of that annoying redhead. Anyways, that ruined Hiyori’s morning and he hated how it did, especially after the revelation of their unhealthy relationship dynamic had hit him the previous night. Swim practice was the same as always, same time, same resentment as he watched Ikuya rush off the moment Hoshikawa dismissed the team. 

He figured he did not really have anyone to talk to about things between him and Ikuya. Talking to Ikuya was out of the question, obviously. He decided he had to figure out what exactly was their friendship first before bringing it up to him. As he scrolled through his contacts list, he realised that he did not have any true friends other than Ikuya. He had some old swimmates and high school peers from America, and his current university classmates, but none of them were people he could really trust. So when he saw Terashima’s contact appear on his screen, he threw caution to the wind and pressed the call button. 

Terashima was a decent senior, he was pretty hot-headed and a pain in the butt (kinda like that red-head whose name Hiyori had conveniently forgotten again), but he was decent. The two have actually hung out a few times before, they even grabbed dinner after swim practice together with Shin last week. He did not seem like it at first glance but he was a good listener and pretty observant as well. The first time Hiyori confided in him was on his-and the rest of the first years’-first karaoke night with the seniors. He was feeling pretty crap because his time had dropped from his personal best, and it was only their first practice. He had wanted to impress his coach and the rest of the team but sadly his time had increased by 10 seconds. 

The thing about Hiyori was that he was extremely good at hiding his feelings behind a well-rehearsed smile, which was why it shocked him when Terashima was able to read through that. 

_ “ Don’t let your timing get to you, ” was the first thing he said as they were getting extra snacks from the KTV’s pantry for the rest of the team. _

_ “ What?” Hiyori voiced aloud, confused. “ I’m not fazed by it. I’m sure I’ll get better next practice anyways.” He said in the most laid-back tone he could muster at the time. _

_ “ You’re not fooling me, four-eyes. You act all laid-back but I saw how anxious you were before diving into the pool.” Hiyori’s eyes widened. Terashima took the bowl of chips from his hands. “ Do me a favour and grab two bowls of popcorn, I’ll head back with these first.” _

_ But before he could leave Hiyori already had a hand out to grab onto the sleeve of his shirt. And before he knew it he was telling his senior, which he barely knew, everything. His fear that he would be left behind by his talented best friend Ikuya, the anxiety that loomed under his skin because university was so foreign and overwhelming, and the slight homesickness he felt. Terashima was quiet the entire time, staring back at him with understanding, encouraging eyes. _

Despite that, the two had never gotten closer than Hiyori hoped because Terashima had other club commitments and of course, his girlfriend, and Hiyori did not want to be a burden on his heavy schedule. But that did not stop Hiyori from seeking advice from him occasionally, though it was always to do with academics or swimming. This was the first time he was opening up about something so personal.

“ What’s up?” He was snapped back to reality when Terashima picked up. 

“ Good afternoon, Terashima. Are you free now? If I am disturbing you I apologise.” 

“ Eh? Why the formality? You’re making me feel old.” Hiyori sensed the frown on his senior’s face in that moment. “ I’m free though, what do you want to talk about?”

Hiyori considered the different ways he could approach this topic. Maybe the “ My friend has a dilemma with his best friend and I need some advice for him,” or the “ What would you do if Shin was hanging out with his friends instead of you for, like, three or so weeks in a row ever since they reunited and as much as you tried to hide it you really hated them and wished they magically disappeared-”

“ It’s about Ikuya,” he said instead, cutting right to the chase. 

“ Oh?” 

And so Hiyori told him everything-the history between Ikuya and his friends, specifically Haru; how he felt used by Ikuya in a way, as if he was just a stand-in till Haru came in and swept him off his feet; how he felt their relationship was kinda one-sided, and how dependent he was on Ikuya to just feel like he was at home with someone, really. By the time he was done, he was a tear-stricken mess. 

The line was silent for a good minute or so, and Hiyori worried that he told Terashima too much. It was a risk anyway, from asking academic advice to asking him to basically become his damn therapist. 

Finally, Terashima spoke. “ Okay, that’s a lot to take in. But before I tell you anything else, who is Ikuya to you?”

Hiyori blinked. “ He’s my best friend of course.”

“ If that was the real answer I wouldn’t have wasted time asking you that question, dumbass.” He deadpanned and Hiyori rolled his eyes. “ The way you talk about him is as if there is more to it than you claim.”

That took Hiyori aback because it really did feel that way, and that was what he thought too back when he cried over the stupid mackerel. The only difference was that it felt suffocating to have those thoughts in his head back then, right now it felt relieving to have that out in the open, like he could breathe again. 

“ I don’t know.” 

“ Do you truly not know or do you choose not to know?” Another statement from Terashima that felt like an arrow to his heart. 

“ I don’t want to know.” Hiyori admitted. “ We’ve been friends for so long, even if it is something else it would do me no good figuring out what that “something else” is. Not when I have to see him go off to Haru everyday.”

“ You’re jealous-”

“ Of course I am, Ikuya is my best friend. Haru hurt him and left this deep scar that made him so emotionally distant but one simple swim with him and suddenly-”

“ Let me finish, four-eyes,” Terashima scolded. “ You’re jealous and also afraid. You don’t wanna lose Ikuya to Haru, not just as a friend but as a possible partner.”

Hiyori knew what Terashima meant, but that did not stop him from trying to evade it. “ Yeah, my swimming partner.”

Silence on the other end. “ I’m gonna hang up if you keep doing this.”

“ Okay, okay, sorry. I’ll stop.” Hiyori pleaded, then sighed. “ I know what you mean. I may have feelings for Ikuya, no, I do.” It hurt him to say the words out loud, yet it also made him so much more free. “ But I still can’t do anything about it even after admitting it to myself. I can’t ruin our friendship any more than I did with our last fight.”

“ Look, keeping these feelings in won’t do you any good. Look where denial got you, you’re becoming obsessive over Ikuya, becoming desperate and needy. It’s not healthy and even if you choose to keep it friendly, a friendship shouldn’t be this one-sided and, I hate to say it but, toxic.” 

“ I know,” Hiyori answered truthfully. “ But I still don’t know how to approach this. I don’t want to ruin what we have.”

“ You can’t keep going on like this, feeling neglected by Ikuya and pretending things are okay. If you keep them pent up it’ll end up coming out one way or another and when that happens...it won’t be pretty.”

“ Yeah.” He mumbled dejectedly.

“ Hiyori.”

“ Yeah?”

“ I don’t know how much this helps, but on our first karaoke night I bumped into Ikuya at the restroom. We chatted a bit before coming back and that’s why we took so long and returned at the same time. Anyways, he told me something about you.”

That piqued Hiyori’s interest, he sat up straighter in his chair. “ What?”

“ He said that-” and suddenly the line went dead. 

“ What the hell?” Hiyori grumbled frustratedly, about to redial Terashima’s number when a text appeared from him. 

**Talk to him and you’ll know.**

Hiyori supposed he had no choice. Great. 

***

When Ikuya asked Hiyori if he wanted to accompany him to meet Haru and the others at Akane’s café, he did not know what compelled him to say yes. But he did, and now he was sitting with Haru directly across him, irritation looming under his skin. 

“ Asahi should be here in ten minutes. I’m not sure if Kisumi’s coming, though.” Makoto said with that ever-friendly smile on his face. It lowkey pissed Hiyori off, did that guy ever get tired of smiling so much? He realised it was not his place to judge Makoto though, not when he did the same every day, and more fake too. 

Ikuya nodded in acknowledgement. “ Should we order first?" They all agreed and called Akane over, ordering for Asahi as well since the three of them knew he always ate the same damn thing whenever they went there. Hiyori felt sort of envious of the bond they had, okay, _ really _envious. He only ever had Ikuya and that was it. Sure, he hung out with Terashima and Shin, but their bond was nothing compared to the long-lasting one the four of them shared. It was sickening, really, and Hiyori felt as if Ikuya invited him to mock him. But Ikuya was not like that, and Hiyori mentally scolded himself for letting his resentment override his judgement again. 

Halfway into finishing their meals Asahi finally arrived, the smile on his face gone the moment he saw Hiyori. “ Oh. ” Hiyori did not blame Asahi for having such a reaction, not after all the shitty things he had said to them, especially to Haru. Truth be told he had spent many of his nights tossing and turning in bed because of that, wondering when they would tell Ikuya what a real asshole his best friend was, and when Ikuya would finally up and leave his sorry ass. But the next words that came out of Asahi after that completely shocked him, “ Finally you decide to join us,” His smile came back again, and it was probably the first genuine smile he was giving Hiyori. “ Ikuya must be happy.”

Hiyori looked over at his best friend only to find him sporting the same small, shy smile as he did when he stayed the night a few days ago. He wanted to ask Ikuya what was that all about but chose to save it for later, because Ikuya looked so happy just to see Hiyori with his friends that he did not want to ruin the moment. 

The rest of the outing was surprisingly more bearable than Hiyori expected. As much as he hated to admit it, it was kinda fun too. There was still a sense of distrust between him and them, but that seemed to be temporarily forgotten as they wandered through the nearest night market together. 

“ Asahi, aren’t you full from the omelette rice you had just now?” Makoto asked, stunned as he watched the redhead practically swallow 3 whole sticks of fried squid at an inhumane speed. Haru cautiously stepped away from Asahi, making Hiyori wonder if something happened before to warrant him that reaction. 

“ M’m fine,” Asahi replied, voice muffled due to his squid-filled mouth. “ Thim squim if fo good.”

Kisumi sighed fondly and Hiyori thought a little too long about the way he looked at Asahi. “ It’s fine, he can learn his lesson. _ Again _.”

“ What do you mean ‘again’?” Hiyori asked, and the look of sheer horror on his face must have been comedy gold to the rest because they were in hysterics upon seeing it. He heard Ikuya’s cute laughter from beside him, but he decided not to turn his head and look because if he did his heart would have given out then and there. Haru laughing was a new sight, though. A part of him felt somewhat accomplished he managed to make the typically expressionless guy laugh. 

“ We went to this night market last week too, and Asahi ate so much fried squid he threw up in the cab home.” Haru replied.

“ Amazing. I guess a true idiot never learns from their mistakes,” Hiyori risked a little banter. He felt his heart warm up when that evoked even more laughs from the group, and a “ Hey! Who are you calling an idiot?” from Asahi. 

It was nearing midnight by the time Hiyori and Ikuya arrived at their stop. The train ride had been fairly silent because both of them were tired after a long night out, but even under all that tiredness Hiyori felt the happiness radiating off his best friend. Maybe it was his own exhaustion playing tricks on him, or his mind just over-analysing things again, but there was an unusual spring in Ikuya’s step as the two walked down the empty street. Ikuya’s apartment was about 5 minutes away, and Hiyori’s another 10 minutes more.

“ You seem very happy,” Hiyori commented. 

“ Yeah, I am.” When he turned to look at Ikuya, he was smiling, eyes staring at his shoes as they walked. 

“ What did Asahi mean when he said I finally decided to join you guys?” 

He swore he heard Ikuya’s breath hitch. “ Well, I have been meaning to ask you to hang out with us for a while now. I was just a little hesitant to.” He admitted. 

That was new. “ Why hesitant?”

“ Because,” Ikuya sighed. “ I know there is some tension between you and them. I know that when you talk to them you don’t really wanna be there. But today seemed different, and for that, thank you.” He did not look at Hiyori the entire time he spoke, as if afraid to see his reaction. 

Hiyori did not really have an outward reaction, though his mind and heart were completely in chaos within him. He thought he had perfectly feigned sincerity, the laughter, the kindness when he talked to them in the past. Though tonight was different, the fact that how different it was made Ikuya happy ironically made Hiyori feel like crap. He believed Ikuya was so busy devoting his attention to his friends and _ Haru _ , most of all, that he assumed Ikuya did not know him as much as he did before they came into his life again. But he did, he always did, and Hiyori lost faith in him just cause he had been hanging out with them more than with him these past few weeks. He knew this already from the phone call with Terashima but _ God, _he was such a piece of shit. The fact that Ikuya thanked him for actually being nice to his friends was like rubbing salt in his wounds, because doing that was the bare minimum and Ikuya was overjoyed he managed to do the bare minimum. 

Eventually, the two bid their goodbyes when they arrived at Ikuya’s apartment. Ikuya was still gazing at him with the same intensity of warmth and gratitude, and it physically hurt Hiyori to hold his gaze so he just gave him a tired smile and walked off. 

***

Hiyori was tired of pretending, if Ikuya and Terashima saw through it what was the point? So he stopped pretending, stopped flashing fake smiles Ikuya’s way, stopped reacting to the playful grins Terashima was sending his way every swim practice since their phone call. And now he was avoiding the both of them altogether.

Terashima tried to shake him out of it two days into the whole ‘avoiding’ phase, cornering him after swim practice and going off at him about how he was being crappy and avoiding his problems would not solve them. Hiyori knew that as much but he avoided his whole tirade too and pushed him away forcefully. It was not intentional, just a result of all the frustration accumulating under his skin the past few weeks. He felt a flash of fear as he did it, and expected Terashima to throw a punch in his face. But he just stood there, staring at Hiyori in disappointment before walking off. It was so unlike him and that was what made it worse, and Hiyori concluded that a punch to his face would have hurt less.

While Terashima was more expressive of how he felt, Ikuya was completely undecipherable and Hiyori hated it. He tried reaching out to Hiyori at first, trying to strike up conversation with him during swim practice or find him during lunchtimes. But after a week he gave up completely, just staring at Hiyori with his typical neutral expression. Hiyori used to be able to discern what that neutrality meant, _ what happened to them? _He happened, he concluded. 

As safe as it felt avoiding Ikuya and Terashima, and life in general, he knew eventually his actions would be the cause of his demise. Maybe that was a little bit dramatic, but it sure felt like his demise the following Tuesday night. 

Hiyori decided to do a long jog after swim practice, because it was getting harder to sleep at night with every passing day so he thought tiring himself to exhaustion was the best option. In hindsight, he should have bought sleeping pills instead, because that would have been less time-consuming and he would not have come home to see Ikuya waiting by the door. 

Ikuya looked shocked to see Hiyori, as if he was not practically standing outside of his flat waiting for him to come home. “ Hiyori.”

Hiyori knew talking things out was the best choice, but he was so tired and did not want to be faced with reality right now. “ Ikuya, not now. Please.”

A frown settled on Ikuya’s face, the way it did before they fought at the playground, and it made Hiyori slightly anxious. “ I don’t get it, why are you ignoring me? What did I do?” His voice broke as he said the words and Hiyori felt his own heart break too. 

“ It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry, but I have no energy to talk about this tonight-”

“ The last time you avoided me was after we fought at the playground.” Ikuya interrupted, taking a step forward. “ And back then, I said things to you that I didn’t mean. I still regret them.” Another step forward. The closer he got, the more visible the fear in his eyes was. “ I don’t think I ever properly apologised to you for that, I’m sorry.”

It dawned on Hiyori then that _ yes _, Ikuya had not given a proper apology to Hiyori after that. They just glossed over the entire issue in the adrenaline rush of the relay and the happiness they felt being able to swim with one another. And now Hiyori was angry, because that was how it had always been between the two of them-Ikuya glossing over their friendship and Hiyori trying to compensate by going overboard. The two never had a perfect balance of effort put into their relationship and that was why Hiyori had so little faith in Ikuya. Even if Ikuya knew him like the back of his hand, even if he had his moments of soft, tender affection towards Hiyori, it was not enough. 

“ I want to be your friend, Ikuya,” _ and something more, _“ but I don’t know if you want the same as well.” 

“ What? You are my friend,” Ikuya answered, his frown deepening. 

“ I am, but sometimes I feel like I am not.” Hiyori was afraid of where this was going, but he was too deep in to back down now. “ Sometimes I feel like you are annoyed by me, that maybe you prefer your Iwatobi friends more, prefer Haru more. I don’t blame you though.”

Ikuya’s confused frown transformed into a full-on scowl, and this was where Hiyori knew the storm had started. “ I thought you were okay with my friends, I guess I was wrong.”

Hiyori chuckled bitterly. “ Seriously? That’s all you got from that?”

“ What I did get from that was that you still hate my friends-”

“ When have I ever said that I hated them? Don’t put words into my mouth.” He retorted as he pointed a finger at his best friend accusingly.

“ Hiyori, it’s so obvious.” Ikuya seemed tired and that irritated Hiyori even more. “ You try so hard to hide it but I can see through you. If you never wanted to go out with them the other day you should have told me in the first place.”

Ikuya’s words felt like a slap in his face because they may have been true but the reason Hiyori went out with them that night was all for _ him _. Every effort to play nice with his friends was all done for him and he was still calling Hiyori out for it. If Hiyori dropped the pretense that would have only made Ikuya more upset. Whatever he did was never good enough. 

“ I did it for you, asshole.” Hiyori spat, taking a step closer to Ikuya and now they were only inches apart. “ I don’t get why you’re acting like me pretending to like them is a bad thing. Yes, I dislike them, but only because of what they did to you. Especially Haru.” 

“ You’re jealous, aren’t you?” It was one thing to hear it from Terashima, but to hear it from Ikuya was a million times worse. “ I don’t get why, either. If I’m fine with them shouldn’t you be too? We already set aside our differences, why is it so hard for you to accept that and move on?”

“ Because I don’t want to lose you!” Hiyori finally burst, and it felt like the world was spinning in slow-motion as he registered the change in emotions on Ikuya’s face. But then time sped back up to its normal pace and Hiyori realised more than ever how close Ikuya was to him, how distinct the curve of his lips were from this proximity and how intense Ikuya’s gaze was. It was all too much to handle and so he turned his head and looked at the stairway beside them. “ I see the way you look at Haru and it scares me. It makes me think that you’ll eventually get sick of me and leave.”

“ Do you have that little faith in me?” His words left Hiyori dumbfounded. When he turned to look back at Ikuya he looked dispirited, eyes searching Hiyori’s for an answer he could not give. Then Ikuya’s face fell completely, and he looked completely defeated as he swallowed and nodded to himself, trying to accept Hiyori’s silence. He brushed past Hiyori, the contact sending shockwaves through Hiyori’s system. Right before he descended down the stairs he opened his mouth to speak one last time.

“ You say you don’t want to lose me, but it seems you gave up on me from the start.”

Hiyori took a sharp inhale at that and spun around to face Ikuya again, but all he saw was an empty stair landing as Ikuya’s footsteps echoed down the stairway. 

***

The next three weeks went by in a blur, it was just constant back-and-forths between campus and Hiyori’s flat. It was Ikuya’s turn to avoid him now, practically running off after swim practice, and whether it was to meet Haru and group or vegetate in his flat Hiyori did not know and tried his best not to care. 

The entire team could feel the tension between the two of them. Shin had tried approaching Hiyori a few times, only to be dragged away by a bickering Terashima who was still angry at him. Hiyori knew his senior was not actually angry, but let down by how Hiyori was handling this whole mess. But Hiyori preferred to describe it as anger because being let down was so unlike Terashima and only reminded him of how he had majorly screwed things up. 

Hoshikawa and their coach were on his ass more than ever because Hiyori’s times were deproving at an abysmal state. Ikuya’s times were still at their peak, which shocked Hiyori because the last time they had fought he was struggling to upkeep their form. Well, the moment they had outside Hiyori’s flat was not really a fight, but Hiyori decided to label it as such because he was unsure what to call it and the lack of uncertainty was frustrating him. 

Amidst all the chaotic changes that had occurred in Hiyori’s life during the past few weeks, Natsuya’s sporadic messages remained a constant. Hiyori felt as if the universe was mocking him every time he got a text from the older man asking how his younger brother was doing. He had no mood to tell the truth, but he had no heart to fully lie as well, so he only relayed info about Ikuya’s performance during practices. He worried Natsuya would pick up on the lack of (usually present) additional info in his texts, but so far all his replies were in their usual form of a thumbs up emoji and other cute emoticons and he was glad his pretense was working on one person at least. 

As much as he tried to convince himself things were better this way-keeping a distance from Ikuya and having Terashima off his back-they were not. He knew he had to shake himself out of this depressed state he got himself in or else he might be suspended from the swim team. He did not know if that was even possible but at the rate his performance was deteriorating it might be in the very near future. Not only that, he truly missed Ikuya. He missed checking up on where he was after swim even if it hurts to know he was with _ them _. He missed making dinners for him or preparing the next day’s breakfast for him if he was eating out instead. His life felt less tense than it did before they argued outside his flat but it also felt way more empty, it just reminded him of his miserable childhood and amplified the ugly thoughts in his head. 

The break in Hiyori’s empty life finally came on a Saturday night in the form of a message from Hoshikawa on Friday night.

**Movie night tomorrow. Usual place, 7pm. Thought it’d be good to get the team bonding again**

**-Hoshikawa**

It seemed like a broadcast message and Hiyori wondered why he sent that privately when group chats existed for a reason. But he did not question it because he felt he annoyed his captain enough with his crappy swimming. So he replied in acknowledgement and took the train to the cinema that the team went to a few times on Saturday nights. The entire ride he wondered if Ikuya was going to be there, and sure enough he was, he seemed to be the only one there for now.

Ikuya tensed up the moment Hiyori came into his field of vision, but shrugged it off and gave him a curt nod, looking off into the distance as he waited for their team members to arrive. Eventually 7pm arrived and that dragged on to 7.05...7.10...and 7.15 till finally-

**Hey dumbass there’s no movie night so talk with Ikuya before I kick both of your asses**

It was from Terashima. He planned the whole thing and what was worse was that he got their captain in on it. That cunning basta-

Hiyori’s train of thought cut off when he saw Ikuya start to walk away, back to the train station. “ Where are you going?” 

Ikuya turned and faced him, and for the first time in weeks Hiyori finally got a good look at his face. He looked more tired than usual, dark circles deepened and lips slightly chapped. “ Home. Hoshikawa told me movie night was cancelled.” 

_ Did Hoshikawa or Terashima not send him the same text I got? Though Hoshikawa calling anyone a dumbass would be hilarious. _“ Wait,” Hiyori pleaded, “ let’s talk, please.” He did not know where this surge of courage came from, maybe it was the fact that Terashima and Hoshikawa went through all this trouble to get them to talk and he felt bad, or maybe it was his subconscious telling him that he needed to seize this opportunity. Either way, his desperate request was granted with an imperceptible nod from Ikuya, who looked nervous yet hopeful, or maybe that was Hiyori’s imagination. Soon the two were sitting on a bench overlooking the pond at the park nearby.

“ I’m sorry.” Hiyori spoke first because it needed to be said. “ I have always cared about you, maybe a little too much. And whenever you went off with them I felt angry, I thought you were neglecting me for them, but it was just my jealousy talking.” 

He held his breath as he waited for Ikuya’s response. The boy shook his head firmly. “ It takes two hands to clap, it was my fault too. I kept thinking about what you said that night and realised how bad of a best friend I was. You have always been at my side doing so much for me, and in these few weeks I realised how empty my life felt without you. “ He chuckled bitterly. “ I was too scared to approach you or ask you if we could talk. Our friendship was always unbalanced and for that, I’m sorry.” 

“ Ikuya…” Hiyori trailed off, and when his best friend turned to look at him his heart swelled. _ Best friend _. “ I’m sorry I had so little faith in you. Makoto pointed that out to me during the All-Japan invitational.”

“ He did?” Ikuya asked, eyebrows raised. 

Hiyori nodded. “ I was too set in my ways of thinking that being protective of you was for your own good, it ended up turning into a form of resentment when I saw you with them. Especially Haru. I know how much you adore him and I ended up giving up on you, on us. But at the end of the day it’s only natural you hang out with them a bit more, you guys recently reunited and there’s a lot to catch up on.” 

He gasped when Ikuya leaned forward to grab his hand. He looked down at their hands, relishing in Ikuya’s touch which he missed so much, and how right it felt to have the other boy’s hand in his. When he looked back up, Ikuya was staring at him with a determined look on his face.

“ Hiyori, Haru was my saviour. But you are mine now.” 

Hiyori’s eyes widened. 

“ I know you were the one who saved me back in America.”

“ Ikuya...how…” Hiyori stammered, who could have told him? Maybe the other teens who saw Ikuya drown in the pool that day? But Ikuya was not close with any of them, and if they told him back then he would have brought it up ages ago. The only other person who knew was-

_ Natsuya. _

Ikuya smiled softly when he realised Hiyori had figured out the answer to his own question. “ He told me when I called him last week. He had a feeling something happened between us because your replies felt a bit off to him.” He turned away to cast his gaze at the pond in front of them, pensive look on his face. “ I know you never told me because you didn’t want me to feel guilty, but the only thing I felt bad about when he told me was how I thought I had only ever been saved by Haru, when you were by my side all along.” When he turned back to Hiyori, the intensity in his gaze seemed to constitute of something else. Hiyori was unsure of what it was till Ikuya was so close he could see that tempting curve of his lips again. “ I’ll never leave you alone ever again.”

It all felt like a fever dream, Ikuya’s hand was still holding his, they were inching closer to one another as if it was a silent agreement, and then they were so close, too close, to back away. 

So Hiyori took a risk and kissed him. 

And that was what made Hiyori realise that _ no, this wasn’t a dream _. Because he could feel Ikuya’s lips on his and it felt softer than he imagined, Ikuya’s free hand was cradling Hiyori’s face and it felt like his skin was on fire where his fingers rested. Their hands were still holding each other, fingers intertwined, and Hiyori never wanted to let go. It was sweet and innocent, delicate yet passionate, and it was a kiss Hiyori knew he would never forget. 

Finally they pulled away, cheeks flushed and breathing irregular, staring at each other with knowing gazes that this changed everything. Hiyori remembered in that moment how Terashima ended their last phone call, how he teased about what Ikuya told him on that karaoke night. 

_ Talk to him and you'll know. _

As he reveled in the way Ikuya looked back at him, he felt he had an inkling of what it was.

Hiyori’s phone dinged and he cursed himself internally for not setting his phone on silent before they got to the park. He flashed Ikuya an apologetic smile who shook his head and smiled back understandingly, gesturing for him to answer the text.

It was his flatmate, he was going to stay the night at a friend’s. That gave Hiyori an idea.

“ Do you want to come home with me?” The words rolled off his tongue naturally. 

Ikuya’s smile got even warmer at the request, and Hiyori felt his heart melt. “ Sure.”

***

The next morning Terashima received a message from Hoshikawa. 

**Tsubaka: Did Hiyori tell you how it went last night?**

**Tera: yeah they’re all good now, and completely in love with each other. he’s such an idiot. thanks for helping me out man**

**Tsubaka: Thank God. Now I don’t have to worry about them being angsty during practice. **

**Tsubaka: Also, Terashima.**

**Tera: yes?**

**Tsubaka: I know you set my contact name as Tsubaka. Change it or else I’m making coach give you an extra lap of swimming drills.**

**Author's Note:**

> When i watched this season I kinda wished Hiyori's character was explored further, thus I decided to make this fic. Many people may hate him but I find him super interesting and although he was a dick to our precious Iwatobi boys his intentions were misunderstood. I hope you guys enjoyed this portrayal of Hiyori's insecurities and fears and his dynamic with Ikuya, thanks for reading heh


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